Unexpected Pleasures:

When Jaclyn Easton, my publisher ( I just like saying that) first talked to me about this book, I remember think 2 things; First, I had been encouraged to write a book before about my stories and was completely bored by the idea. Second, that since this was to be based on my photographs, it was just fun and easy, nothing too hard or personal.

Man, was I wrong.

This hasn’t been boring for one second. I have had a lot of feelings about it; scared, appalled, amused, surprised, deeply saddened, excited, hopeful, and completely horrified. But bored?

Not for one second.

I work hard to stay on top of my powerful inclination towards insecurity. Honestly, I think insecurity and perfectionism are just forms of self indulgence and procrastination. And I am a master of both the former, merely an apprentice of the later (unfortunately). o.0

Just get to work, Pat. Boy this project has been a magnetic pull towards fear. I did a stunt where I was hanging off a draw bridge on the East Coast. The bridge got stuck and they didn’t want me to drop before the camera was ready. But it was freezing cold and I was losing the feelings in my fingers. I watched in horror as my grip did a Wiley Coyote One-finger-at-a-time peel off the metal bar I was grasping and I fell 50 feet into ice cold water. I have relived that feeling many times on this book project.

On the phone with JMS last night, I was afraid he didn’t like the book. I got a huge lump in my throat and my chest ached. He didn’t say anything like that, and I know he is in my corner. But that beast rose up inside me, you know the one who always makes sure you don’t enjoy anything too much? The one that as soon as you feel good about yourself, reminds you of all the times you fucked up? Yeah, well mine is a Dementor, sucking the happiness and positive energy from my universe.

Every time Jaclyn calls with news on how the sales are going, my Dementor hisses that my sales are too low and she’s trying to keep my spirits up, but there is huge disappointment on the other side of the line.
Kids, there is nothing anyone else can do for us. You and I and our self destructive beasts are on our own. We are bottomless black holes and no one can fill up those voids but US. So I am here to tell you, I get it. You are NOT alone and we can get better. We may never be those happy go lucky types (fuckers), but we can be happier, and more pleasant to be around (which is not a big leap in my case). Baby steps. And as we take them, there will be some surprising changes we cannot anticipate.

Here’s one of mine;

As I dug through my dusty past, and found all these photos from the early to late 1990s, I laughed. Photos that before I was happy to bury, I now found a happy reminder of moments I was too busy, preoccupied or full of self loathing to enjoy in the moment. No longer embarrassed, just amused. And I just started talking to Jason and Cynthia Davis about all the stories the photos brought up. Jason edited this book, but he did so much more that that. He kept me on track and encouraged me. He knows all the details, dates, facts and names about Babylon 5 that I either forgot or never knew. He had fantastic suggestions, thank god! Of all the stories I recounted, he helped to focus the best ones into the book. I had no perspective because this feeling was completely new to me. Every thing was a discovery. Shit has been so bad for so long, that these moments were shining out of my dusty photo boxes like little suns. All of them precious. I found love too. You are going to have to read the book to understand that comment because it’s too big for a blog. I saw that I had loved someone for many years, but things hadn’t aligned for us yet. It has happened, now. For how long, I have no idea.

It’s my Patronus… in the shape of a Super Hero.